What makes grandparenting hard? Given all of the pleasures that this stage in life brings (see April 2006 MFC Newsletter), what would be difficult about grandparenting? I’ve heard several answers to this question and they all relate to FEAR.

One woman told me that grandparenting is hard because “I don’t want to impose.” The fear that her presence might be a nuisance to her family prevents her from acting upon her natural desire to visit or call, lest she intrude. She ends up suffering in silence while she waits to be invited. Furthermore, even when invited, she is reluctant to accept because she’s unsure whether the invitation is sincere.

Another fear is, “I don’t want to show that I’m not capable.” Having taken pride in being self-sufficient all of their lives, it is indeed difficult to face the limitations of old age. Grandparents may want to maintain their self-image by continuing to do everything for themselves, no matter how hard it may be.

Finally, “I don’t want to be a burden.” That is the big “B” word that is the ultimate fear for many grandparents. Most grandparents (the majority of whom are women) have spent their whole lives taking care of the younger generation; they dread the possibility of becoming ‘takers’ rather than ‘givers.’

My response to these fears is, “You have a job to do. You are needed. Don’t let your fears get in the way!”

Let’s imagine that you have a job in a corporation at the executive level, and you need to prepare for an important meeting. Are you going to spend the next four hours typing up your notes? No! You’ll have someone else do it! You’ll ask for help. Because that person can do in one hour what would take you four hours to accomplish.

“But,” you say, “I am paying that person a salary to help.”

Well, that’s where we get to the crux of the matter. You have already paid the salary of those who will help you, through years of monetary, physical and emotional support. It is time now to call in the debt. Your children are indebted to you. The next generation is indebted to the previous generation.

When your children acknowledge their obligation to you -- by physically doing for you what you can no longer do for yourself -- they in turn feel better about themselves. Most importantly, they serve as role models for their own children, who see their parents helping their grandparents and remember that lesson for future years.

Grandparents, keep doing what you know how to do best. Your value to your family and community exceeds all physical limitations. You are the “CEO” of your corporation and all of its members need your experience, insight, wisdom and love.

Grandparenting: The Perils

You have more relationships now to consider than ever before in your life. Each relationship is a potential treasure or land-mine.

First of all is your relationship with your own child, who is also a parent. What happens when you disagree with what your child is doing? What do you do when you see something that you’re not comfortable with?

Don’t, if possible, say anything in front of your grandchildren. If there’s something that you want to say, do so privately.

Another very important relationship to negotiate is with the “in-law,” the son-in-law or daughter-in-law. It’s crucial not to put your child in a position of having to choose between a parent and a mate.

There is a lot of swallowing that you need to do, I know. Sometimes it makes breathing laborious. It takes much practice to withhold your critical thoughts and express only the positive. We can’t redo other people; the only thing that we can do is figure out how we should behave.

Lastly, let’s examine your relationship with your grandchildren. You might feel that “times have changed” and your relationship differs significantly from the relationship that you recall having with your own grandparents. Is the gap between generations wider now than in previous centuries?

Yes, the gap has widened for certain stages in life, particularly between adolescents and grandparents. Technology has changed the face of communication, as well as its speed. Few grandchildren go to their grandparents’ home for Sunday dinners (Remember “Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf?”).

Life has changed so dramatically that your grandchildren may have a hard time understanding your world. Then turn it around. Try to understand their world. Get some idea of what they’re involved in, so that you have what to discuss. Learn and love.

But what can you do if one of the parents feels threatened by your close relationship with their child/ren? Again, it is important to be sensitive to their feelings. Involve them in your plans, ask permission to take out your grandchild; inform them of your plans so that they don’t feel out of the loop. They need to feel in charge of their children, often out of a sense of their own insecurity. Your children need your attention and praise as much as your grandchildren do!

Mona attended Barnard College and then continued on at Columbia University, where she earned two Masters degrees and a Doctorate in Psychology. Mona settled and still lives in Rockland County, NY. She worked for many years as a diagnostician and therapist, originally in schools and then in full-time private practice. As Mona’s children grew up and left home she once again returned to her original goal; namely, to help people not only resolve their problems but also reach their highest potential. She thus founded MyFamilyCoach to provide professional coaching to women who want assistance and guidance but do not need therapy. Mona publishes the MFC Newsletter and contributes articles to family magazines, both online and in print. She speaks to women’s groups all over the country, introducing them to the benefits of coaching. Mona is a member of the International Coach Federation and the American Psychological Association. Visit her at http://www.myfamilycoach.com.